Simple Kind of Man

 Several months ago I was watching a video on grief in children and teenagers. Myself and several others were headed out to a local high school to be support to the students who'd lost a classmate that died by suicide. I was sitting at the table watching the video and Addison was coloring next to me. She looked up and said "Mama Tucker died, huh?" Several weeks before we had said good bye to our beloved dog. I replied with "Yes sweetheart he did" Her next statement and action stopped me in my tracks and brought tears to my eyes. She said "Mama, you brother died too, huh?" She then reached out and grabbed my hand and gave it the tiniest squeeze and said "I sorry"

Something so pure. To have a little one acknowledge the life of loved ones. She isn't wrapped up in this world of what is right and wrong to do or say. She just did what her little heart told her to do. In a moment she recognized her own loss and connected it to mine. Yes losing a pet and a brother are different. But the pain of loss to her was the same. She knows what it is like to miss something, someone. 

It was such a simple action. A simple response to such a heavy event. But you better believe that moment will stick with me forever. I pray she holds on to her ability to respond in honest and pure ways to life's sorrows. 

I believe that in the deepest parts of him Rory was a simple man. Like Addison he had an ability to respond simply and honestly. Like when I was 17 and needed a car he said "here ya go. It's not much but you can have my New Yorker. I doubt it'll last long but it's yours." When we were moving back up this way he called me and said "We will find you guys jobs. It's gonna be okay." Sometimes his honesty I didn't want to hear. Especially when he told me to chill. I really don't like to be told that. Exactly, neither did he. Funny how that works. 

Unfortunately grief is more complicated. The emotions that come with it are layered. 5 years ago, tomorrow, my life, our lives, changed forever. It was the worst day of my life. I day that is unreal on so many ways. There is a scene from the movie Joshua that I relate to on a deep and spiritual level. I linked it below 

Joshua Scene

My vase broke the moment I got the call. I thought my life was broken forever. That nothing could fix it. That I was just gonna have to deal. Through different work I have healed in many ways. My life is not the same. It never will be. I will never be the same. I am a different person. But I am whole in different ways. Christ has walked with me in this journey. I still miss Rory more than words can describe. I still have moments of anger, where his death is so unfair. In fact last night I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep because my heart could not let go. Letting go of the fact that Rory shouldn't have died. He should be here. But he is not. That I shouldn't have to deal with this week. This day. The fact though is he did die. What I do now with that truth is up to me, right? 

Rory, I miss you. I love you. My deepest desire is to have you here. I talk about you all the time. Cash loves birds and trucks. A boy after your own heart. Addison has a deep sense of justice that I know you could identify with. The oldest sibling role. Forever in my heart, it's a different heart but you are still there. Molded into my different life. The one I never imagined.