Just Don't

Many people do not know what to say or do when someone they know/love is going through grief. 

This is simple and to the point. There are things you should avoid saying when trying to comfort someone who has lost a loved one. I have a top ten list of things I personally try not to say 

1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young
2. He is in a better place
3. She brought this on herself
4. There is a reason for everything
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now
6. You can have another child still
7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him
8. I know how you feel
9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go
10. Be strong

Another thing worth mentioning is how we show up for people after the services end. Eventually the flowers stop coming, no doorbell rings with casseroles in hand. All of the things we are good at doing after someone's death. The people left behind still need support after the chaos settles. They still need a text or phone call 'just checking in' even if there is no response. Rather than asking how can I help or what can I do just show up with regular household items. Send a text that says "Hey I am going to Costco. I will drop off some paper towels, toilet paper, and pizza. Leaving it on the porch. No need to answer." Small talk can be a hard thing to do. It is a weird place for someone to be, where they want people to be there for them but they also want to be left to themselves. Still show up. in small ways. Be a light in someone's darkness. 

To be clear, the things that people say are not said out of malice. People are not trying to cause more harm or intentionally hurt someone. When we say these things we are most often uncomfortable. We are not taught how to sit with people and their pain. We are taught to fix things. That all people, situations, and emotions are to be fix. We want to solve their pain. We want to fix it. We want to know there is a reason behind death. Suffering. Pain. Truth be told it is often selfish. Because if we can't fix their pain. If what happened to them doesn't have a reason then it can happen to us. Someday we may to suffer unimaginable loss. 

Now don't lose hope. There are things we can do to help each other through loss. Even more than  I mentioned above. That advice is coming next! 

Stay tune. 

If this post has left you with more questions. A desire to have a deeper understanding of why these things can be unhelpful and sometimes hurtful, please reach out! I would love to have more conversations about it.