Start them young



A couple days ago I received bummer news via a text message because it was a text I was able to set my phone down and simply walk away. Because I didn't hear it. I did not have to respond to the noise outside my own head. Giving me the ability to walk away and pretend I didn't even receive the news. 

The one tried and true way of avoiding most emotions is turning to anger. Which is my #1 coping behavior. Anger anesthetizes fear. But it also shuts down other emotions. Anger is big. Anger gives us a false sense of control and power. In my journey through my grief I have learned much about myself and my own anger. It is something I am continuing to work through. I will probably always work through it because I can't control my survival response. Fight, flight, or freeze. We all have our go to and it's just the way we are wired. My limbic system tells me to fight. So that is where I found myself. Fighting and angry but at the wrong thing (people). Unfortunately the people where my people. My little babies. I was making lunch and I caught myself mid sentence being irritable and angry at them. I paused, took a deep breath, and said to myself "Emily, what is wrong? They have done nothing wrong. What are you avoiding?" 

It has taken me several years to get to a place where I can stop my irrational anger avoidance. And I still don't do it perfect. I still mess up. But the beautiful thing is I am growing and learning and becoming better. I get to teach my kiddos that it's okay to mess up. We just need to own it.  I can't change how I immediately respond to bad news. But I can change how long I stay in that place. I can learn to acknowledge my fear and sadness. Which is what I did. 

I told Addison that I was sorry for being mean and grouchy. I said that I am sad and worried about some things. Then I asked my almost 4 year old if I could have a hug. She willing jumped into my arms and gave a good squeeze. What happened a few hours later is what one of those moments in parenthood I will hold onto forever. 

The kids where eating popsicles and I asked Cash for a bite. He said no in just about every way possible. So I made a sad face and said okay. Addison from across the room shouts "Mama, I don't have a popsicle no more but I can give you a hug!" 

Guys, this right here. This moment is why I talk about emotions. Why I am doing the work that sometimes makes me feel ughhhhh. Because I get to teach my kids that feeling things are okay. And helping others feel things is okay too. 

I have also included symptoms of anger and what may help release some of it. I used the name it and breath it method the other day. Something so simple can release so much 

Symptoms of anger

  • tense muscles 
  • set jaw
  • throat muscles tighten 
  • pressure in chest 
  • heart racing 
  • a sense of power (anger makes us feel big) 
  • irritable
  • can't think or focus on a task  
What to do 
  • Name it and breath it 
  • Venting partner 
  • Break stuff (safely)
  • speed writing 
  • physical activity 
  • find a support group
  • find a counselor 
If you sense power and control understand its only an illusion



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