Not Guaranteed

A couple days ago I received bummer news via a text message because it was a text I was able to set my phone down and simply walk away. Because I didn't hear it. I did not have to respond to the noise outside my own head. Giving me the ability to walk away and pretend I didn't even receive the news.  The one tried and true way of avoiding most emotions is turning to anger. Which is my #1 coping behavior. Anger anesthetizes fear. But it also shuts down other emotions. Anger is big. Anger gives us a false sense of control and power. In my journey through my grief I have learned much about myself and my own anger. It is something I am continuing to work through. I will probably always work through it because I can't control my survival response. Fight, flight, or freeze. We all have our go to and it's just the way we are wired. My limbic system tells me to fight. So that is where I found myself. Fighting and angry but at the wrong thing (people). Unfortunately the people w...

As promised....here are my top 10 things that I believe are helpful to say when someone you love is going through difficult times.  1. I am so sorry for your loss. 2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care. 3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can. 4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers. 5. My favorite memory of your loved one is… 6. I am always just a phone call away 7. Give a hug instead of saying something 8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you 9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything 10. Saying nothing, just be with the person Don't let the fear of saying the wrong things stop you. That's why I love the second statement. It expresses that you care without trying to fix the person or their pain. We can be supportive and show care without fixing it. Often deep suffering can not be simply explained away or fixed with words.  We should also asked our people how they are doing even if out...

Many people do not know what to say or do when someone they know/love is going through grief.  This is simple and to the point. There are things you should avoid saying when trying to comfort someone who has lost a loved one. I have a top ten list of things I personally try not to say  1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young 2. He is in a better place 3. She brought this on herself 4. There is a reason for everything 5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now 6. You can have another child still 7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him 8. I know how you feel 9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go 10. Be strong Another thing worth mentioning is how we show up for people after the services end. Eventually the flowers stop coming, no doorbell rings with casseroles in hand. All of the things we are good at doing after someone's death. The people left behind still need support after the chaos settles. They s...