Not Guaranteed

A couple days ago I received bummer news via a text message because it was a text I was able to set my phone down and simply walk away. Because I didn't hear it. I did not have to respond to the noise outside my own head. Giving me the ability to walk away and pretend I didn't even receive the news.  The one tried and true way of avoiding most emotions is turning to anger. Which is my #1 coping behavior. Anger anesthetizes fear. But it also shuts down other emotions. Anger is big. Anger gives us a false sense of control and power. In my journey through my grief I have learned much about myself and my own anger. It is something I am continuing to work through. I will probably always work through it because I can't control my survival response. Fight, flight, or freeze. We all have our go to and it's just the way we are wired. My limbic system tells me to fight. So that is where I found myself. Fighting and angry but at the wrong thing (people). Unfortunately the people w...

As promised....here are my top 10 things that I believe are helpful to say when someone you love is going through difficult times.  1. I am so sorry for your loss. 2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care. 3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can. 4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers. 5. My favorite memory of your loved one is… 6. I am always just a phone call away 7. Give a hug instead of saying something 8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you 9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything 10. Saying nothing, just be with the person Don't let the fear of saying the wrong things stop you. That's why I love the second statement. It expresses that you care without trying to fix the person or their pain. We can be supportive and show care without fixing it. Often deep suffering can not be simply explained away or fixed with words.  We should also asked our people how they are doing even if out...

Many people do not know what to say or do when someone they know/love is going through grief.  This is simple and to the point. There are things you should avoid saying when trying to comfort someone who has lost a loved one. I have a top ten list of things I personally try not to say  1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young 2. He is in a better place 3. She brought this on herself 4. There is a reason for everything 5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now 6. You can have another child still 7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him 8. I know how you feel 9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go 10. Be strong Another thing worth mentioning is how we show up for people after the services end. Eventually the flowers stop coming, no doorbell rings with casseroles in hand. All of the things we are good at doing after someone's death. The people left behind still need support after the chaos settles. They s...

J oy is the most terrifying emotion.  For me, feeling joy means that at some point I will also feel anguish. If I allow myself the thrilling experience of joy I can feel the difficult emotions as well.  About a year ago I was watching a Netflix special that featured Brené Brown. In this special she talked about joy. She said "when we loss our tolerance for vulnerability joy becomes foreboding." She used the example of when a parent is looking at their sleeping child and they are overcome with how much they love this child, then within seconds the parent thinks of something awful that can happen to the child. We dress rehearse tragedy so we can beat vulnerability. It's a way to beat vulnerability to the punch. A way to remain in the middle. If things don't work out we won't be devastated. If they do work out then it was a pleasant surprise. It's a shutter that runs through us after we have had a joyful moment. Or simply a happy one. The shutter that says don...

 I was recently asked what the following expression means to me... It's a shortened version of a quote from Vicki Harrison...  "Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim."  When asked the question a was taken back to when I was about six or seven years old. We were somewhere on the Washington coast. It was late fall and very stormy weather. I grew up in Eastern Washington State. My dad grew up in Western Washington State and absolutely loved the Washington Coast. I have many memories of hanging out on the beach near the cold water. Well this particular trip we stayed in some sort of hotel(ish) place with our cousins. It was a fun family trip. One the last day my dad and his cousin Tami came up with a challenging game for us all. By us all I mean my dad, my uncle,  cousin Tami, her two daughters, and the six of us Hillman kids. I honestly have no idea whe...

 I had several different posts planned. This one wasn't even a plan. It's more of a necessity for myself.  Early Sunday morning November 29, 2020 my Uncle Dave passed away after a battle with cancer. The news was shocking. We knew it was terminal but to face the reality that a soul has left this earth too early (but early any death is too early). That the face you know so well will never be seen again this side of heaven is something you feel in the deepest parts of your being.  Dave Carell was not biologically my uncle. He and my parents became friends in high school. The best of friends. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized this man was not my dad's brother. Weird. He was always just Uncle Dave. The guy who showed up in the most random times (or at least in my memories). We'd come home and there he was. Sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee. Occasionally he'd had a deer hanging up in the shed out back. It was from him and my dad that a lear...